Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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