Got a toothbrush?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
