My balls are so social today.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
