I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
