You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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