I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
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Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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