Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
