Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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