Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
