the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
