she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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