Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
