walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
