Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
