Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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