She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
