def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
