you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
