: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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