You just made me feel so damn special
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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