We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
