Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
