dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
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Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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