Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
