Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
