apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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