Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
