Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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