Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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