He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
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when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
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Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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