Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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