I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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