the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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