Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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