she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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