Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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