Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
