I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
