Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
