I feel like abortions should bother me more
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
