I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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