She is in my trunk
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
