We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
