1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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