I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
