Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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