Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
