so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
