I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
