i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
