so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
