I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
