he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
