How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
