Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
