I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
