watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
