Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
