I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
